Do You Struggle to Say Sorry? An Expert Tells You Exactly What Makes Apologising So Difficult

How often is it that when you say, 'I'm sorry', you truly feel apologetic for what you've done. Every single time? Sometimes? Never?

Well, it's no lie that one tends to blurt out this 5-letter word without much thought, more often than not minus the accompanying emotions of regret and distress at having caused hurt to someone. In fact, across situations it is observed that people feel a huge sense of disappointment at the kind of apology they receive from another person. Why so?

While many laymen would attribute it to a simple 'He just doesn’t care enough', or 'She's too stuck up and egoistic', the reality behind what makes apologising so difficult is a bit more complicated than just that.

Kamna Chhibber, Clinical Psychologist at Fortis Healthcare, who also consults at myUpchar, breaks it down for us...

A Struggle to Manage the Emotion of Guilt

'To apologise, one must accept that one has transgressed. This further gives rise to feelings of guilt and managing this complex emotion can be a task. As it is a very difficult experience for most people, there may be a strong drive to steer away from taking ownership of having caused pain to another,' states Kamna. Thereby, by not taking any such responsibility, one no longer has to undergo the 'guilt trip', which is problem solved at their end!

Something Contrary To or Threatening to the Self

'For any individual, protecting their sense of self is crucial. After all, all man's efforts are directed towards ensuring that one’s esteem and confidence are maintained across situations. In order to do so, people may often become neglectful or ignorant of information that makes them view themselves differently, particularly if it highlights aspects of self that are negative. Internalizing these and integrating them with their existing sense of self can be very difficult, much like an ego battle,' she adds.

A Gap in Understanding the Magnitude of the Problem

While you may feel a solid apology is warranted in a given situation, the other person might be massively trivializing the entire situation, rationalising it's true significance and importance for you. 'And this they tend communicate through their demeanour, as they describe their response in a situation as a misunderstanding or unintentional,' states Kamna. 'This gap in understanding the magnitude of the problem often leads to an even wider gaping hole in the cognitive and emotional understanding of the situation, as it is experienced by the one who has been hurt,' she adds.

A Lack of Empathy For the Experience of the Other

As they say, 'stepping into someone else's shoes' isn't all that easy for some. 'The inability to be able to enter the worldview of another, to truly gauge how they would be affected and impacted by an action is one primary reason. A person’s own unique perspective, approach to situations, feelings, and experiences can significantly interfere with their ability to imbibe, internalise, and be able to utilise an evolving understanding from another’s standpoint,' informs Kamna. This skewed, individualistic perception of things that people hold onto often gives way to a barrier in communication.

Besides possibly an array of other reasons, a person facing difficulty in making an apology that actually feels adequate and commensurate to the hurtful experience that someone is going through, can be attributed to one or more of the above mentioned notions.

'Apologising is most certainly easier when it is seen as a virtue that is reflective of a strong moral character and temperament, instead of something which can negatively impact one's sense of self,' claims Kamna. In order to be able to apologise effectively, it is important to look at the core values a person would like to adhere to and uphold in their life.