Alok Vaid-Menon on inclusivity, representation, and the importance of marriage equality

In conversation with Brides Today, gender nonconforming and transfeminine author, performance artist, poet, and comedian Alok Vaid-Menon—who performs under the moniker ALOK—makes a compelling case for 'love is love'.

Brides Today: You look absolutely fabulous in these photographs... Tell us how you style Indianwear.

ALOK: “In the US-Indian diaspora, we’re only expected to wear Indian ensembles for community events such as weddings and holidays—however, I like donning Indian outfits across occasions. Indianwear is elegant, vibrant, and timeless...why would we deny the world its beauty? Sometimes, I combine Indianwear with 'western' clothing; styling a lehenga with a button-down shirt, jhumkas with a cocktail dress, and so on. That’s the fun in fashion: its playfulness, its hybridity.”

Brides Today: How would you define your personal style?

A: “Style is mobile poetry...there are no guidelines, just a sincere and engaged commitment to beauty. My style is a form of storytelling—a way of communicating who I am, what I feel, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. It’s less defined by specific items or silhouettes, and more by feelings and sensations. I dress to be joyful, to enhance my capacity for awe and amazement in the world. I dress like being alive is the main event (because it is). I dress as if being here on this earth is a miracle (because it is).”

Brides Today: What does love mean to you?

A: “Love is about expansion, not constriction. Permission, not prohibition. Becoming ourselves, not betraying ourselves. Writing love poetry isn’t simply about composing a stanza, it’s about composing a day... It’s about how we live, and I want to be a living love poem. Every day I ask myself, 'How can I love harder?' Love is my grounding force, it’s what gives my life shape and meaning; it anchors me to who I am and what I do. The more compassion I discover for myself, the more I unlock for the world around me. Love breaks through binaries—man and woman, us and them, you and me. I believe that everyone is worthy of love for being, not just for doing. Love means we believe in one another’s infinite capacity for transformation. It means we affirm one another’s complexity. And love also means we need each other...fundamentally and irrevocably.”

Brides Today: We have been conditioned to abide by the institution of marriage... What are your thoughts on marriage—and what do you have to say to those who don’t feel the need to label their relationship?

A: “I grew up in a sexist/casteist culture that conflated marriage with maturity—one that told us that we had to be married to be complete. Marriage was less about what we wanted, and more about what was expected of us. And this caused us so much grief, because it’s a way of thinking that relies on shame (which is, the antithesis of love). A more loving approach is to allow each person to determine what makes the most sense for them. There shouldn’t be a hierarchy on which kind of partners or relationship models are more legitimate than others... Some people desire marriage, and others don’t. All these choices are valid.”

Brides Today: While homosexuality has been decriminalised in India, as of 2018, same-sex marriages are yet to attain legal status... Can you share your thoughts on the same?

A: “Marriage equality is necessary, and the continued denial of it constitutes a form of discrimination. I’m also committed to the creation of a more loving society—one where we aren’t required to be a couple to get access to basic rights, resources, dignity, and community.”

Brides Today: A five-judge Supreme Court constitution bench has commenced hearing a batch of petitions seeking legal validation of same-sex marriages in India, and their decision determine the extent of personal and matrimonial rights of the LGBTQIA+ community. Can you share your thoughts on same-sex marriages, and this plea?

A: “This case is crucial... Denying legal recognition of same-sex marriage is a form of institutionalised discrimination that must be addressed. At the same time, it’s important to not see marriage equality as the principal and singular issue facing LGBTQI+ communities; Dalit trans communities have been petitioning for horizontal reservation, and this issue hasn’t received as much attention.”

Brides Today: What does commitment mean to you in a relationship?

A: “Commitment is less about time, and more about transparency. I believe we’re constantly changing, and that’s what it means to be human. We need relationships that honour that; relationships that hold space for change. It’s important to continually check-in: 'Is this what we need now?' Open communication prevents resentment from building up, and allows us to continually re-commit to one another, rather than rely on fixed ideas of who we were and who we are supposed to be. Love doesn’t live in should, it lives in what is.”

Brides Today: Describe your ideal partner.

A: “Language is powerful. When we say and write things, we create a reality with our words. And the thing about love is that it continually defies our sense of reality, and fails to be captured by language. Coming up with a profile of an ideal partner precludes possibility, the sense of wonder that comes from encountering someone and something you thought you would never be compatible with and realising that that's precisely what you need. Over time, I have become more and more open to saying 'I don’t know', and realising just how generative that declaration is. 'I don’t know' creates room...ushers in possibility.”

Brides Today: What is your go-to wedding guest style?

A: “For me, it’s all about the accessories. If my jhumkas aren’t dragging my earlobes to the floor, what am I even doing? Jewellery is a stunning form of punctuation for anything you’re saying (even better if it rings and sings along!).”

Brides Today: What advice would you give to someone who is in a confusing or complicated relationship?

A: “Relationships involve multiple universes coming together, and of course, there are going to be complications. We are people shaped by histories of neglect, trauma, and misrecognition. We are also people shaped by histories of care, jubilation, tenderness. To make a future together, we must hold that the present is where our histories convene. And what a present that is: that we come carrying gifts that so many mistake as baggage. The idea of a perfect relationship without complications is a fairytale—not one grounded in reality. The problem isn’t that relationships are complicated, it’s that we don’t have a communication protocol set up when problems arise.”

Brides Today: Tell us about the challenges and discrimination you have faced along your journey.

A: “I’ve been bullied my entire life. It’s heartbreaking to take inventory of it all...just how omnipresent the reality of violence has been in my life. I wish I could be able to walk down the street—and exist in public—without fear of being attacked. I wish I could post an image of myself online without being inundated with hate mail. I wish I could be seen as a human being. But I’m not going to wait for that future, I’m going to build it now, here, with the people who are ready for love. Rather than isolating me, the discrimination I’ve experienced has allowed me to build meaningful connections and friendships with those who share my pain (and my joy!). And it’s here, alongside the people who embrace me for my entirety—not merely my ability to fit into a category—that I’ve found some of the most powerful romance in the world. It’s here that I’ve learned that friendship can be a form a romance, too. I suppose that’s why I’m committed to the both-and: the idea that we can name how awful and awesome being alive can be; how interchangeably gruesome and gleeful. How I wish that I didn’t have to experience this mistreatment, and I wouldn’t have given up my life for anything else—because I’ve found so much meaning here in it. Because I’ve chosen to be here, time and again, and chosen to prioritise love over fear.”

Brides Today: How does queer stigma affect the community’s mental health?

A: “Often times people look at the LGBTQI+ community as if we are broken; they point to our disproportionately high rates of suicide to reinforce the idea that we are defective. The truth is, it’s not that we are malfunctioning, it’s that we are actively being targeted. Our pain is an understandable symptom of the routine and the systemic discrimination we face. I was born with two lungs, two eyes, and no shame. I was taught shame—and it almost took my life. Some of my earliest memories were being made to feel like I was fundamentally wrong, and that the world would be better off without me. This idea: that I’m an inconvenience, that I’m a mistake, has been reinforced at every turn in my life. It can feel exhausting, overwhelming, and like it’s impossible to keep going. The only way I’ve been able to continue going is through community...finding people who feel the same pain and building a chosen family together.

The reason LGBTQI+ people are hunted is because we have the audacity to embrace authenticity and autonomy in a world that prescribes conformity. People take their own insecurities and project them at us. If they were secure in themselves, they wouldn’t seek to deny and disappear us. In other words: the continued discrimination against our community is an indication of the mental health struggle of our non-LGBTQI peers. What’s needed then is the promotion of positive mental health for all. What’s needed is the creation of a culture tied together with love, not shame.”

Brides Today: Lastly, what are your hopes for the queer community?

A: “I hope that we dream beyond tolerance towards meaningful acceptance. I hope that we are able to find beauty and pride in our differences. I hope that we are not just safe, but well, and not just seen, but witnessed. Most of all: I hope that we can be free.”