How to set boundaries with your toxic in-laws

For those raised in traditional households, where living in joint families is the norm, worrying about having toxic in-laws is understandable. While not every traditional family is like the ones seen in dramatic soap operas, the idea of it can be still daunting. Living with toxic in-laws can be best described as walking a tightrope—one wrong move and you’re instantly clouded with stress and anxiety. In cultures with joint family systems, in-laws often take on a dominant role, in which case, personal boundaries can become quite blurry. Be it them interfering in your parenting styles or making you feel inadequate as a partner, their overreaching control in your day-to-day decisions can become quite suffocating. If this influence begins to affect your marriage or compromise your mental peace, you know it’s time to set some boundaries. Keep reading to know how. 

Recognise the need for boundaries  

Recognising there is a problem is the first step towards building a healthier relationship with your in-laws. Take some time to reflect on your interactions and why you felt like they were crossing the line or making you feel stressed and uncomfortable. Weigh their actions against your feelings to understand the impact of their behaviour on your mental well-being. This allows you to prioritise your mental health and your marriage. 

Once you recognise the need for boundaries, have an open conversation with your in-laws and be firm, but also respectful. You might not like them very much in the moment, not after they've crossed your boundaries, but it is important to not give them a reason to make the situation more difficult than it already is. Use respectful but firm language to express what is acceptable and what isn't in your relationship with them and your family (husband and children). This clarity helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters healthier interactions moving forward.

Set physical boundaries  

Now we're not saying pack up and leave the house unless it is the only solution left. But if you are keen on living in a joint family you can still set some physical boundaries. These can include limiting the amount of time they spend with you and/or your children or designating specific spaces in your home for privacy. Establishing these boundaries can create a more comfortable environment for everyone involved and help improve your situation significantly. 

Establish consequences  

Setting boundaries is only one part of the solution; the other is establishing consequences. If your in-laws deliberately deter your boundaries, having consequences can help them understand the seriousness of your boundaries. Make it clear what will happen if they overstep—whether it’s reducing contact or addressing the issue directly. Without any serious consequences, your in-laws are hardly going to consider your boundaries.

We cannot stress how important this point is. Standing together with your spouse is key when setting boundaries with your in-laws. It’s not just about enforcing the boundaries, but also about strengthening your relationship as a couple. Before speaking to your in-laws, have an honest conversation with your partner to make sure you're both on the same page. Agree on the limits that work for both of you so you can approach the situation as a team.

When your spouse supports you, it sends a clear message to your in-laws that these decisions are made together. This helps avoid misunderstandings or blame being placed on one person. It also encourages your in-laws to respect your boundaries, as they see them coming from both of you, not just one partner.

Staying united also helps avoid any potential tension between you and your spouse. If your partner doesn’t stand firm before their family, it could weaken the boundaries you’re trying to set. By showing support for each other, you not only strengthen your marriage but also make sure your in-laws understand and respect the boundaries you’ve put in place. This creates a more peaceful and respectful dynamic for everyone.

Lead image credit: Monster-in-Law/IMDb

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