How to give your child a positive sex talk

The mind of a child is like a sponge that can soak in all the information from his surroundings. They are curious—about the things happening around them, the changes happening in their body as well, and almost everything. For those parents reading this piece, you know what we’re talking about. From innocent questions like, ‘where do babies come from?’ and ‘what’s that bump on my teacher’s stomach?’, to ‘why is my sister in pain for a week every month?’, children want to know everything, and understandbly so. Navigating the topics of sex and discussing sexuality with your kid can feel challenging, but it’s an important part of parenting that gives room to open and honest communication. 

Parents as the source in this digital age

Today, children can access information on their screen at the click of a button, but this is where parents need to step in and tell them right from wrong in an objective manner. Parents should keep in mind the circumstances and exposure that their child has and time the conversation in a way that they are the first source of the information for the children. A parent can do what the internet cannot—create a safe space that makes them comfortable. But how do you compete the clutter and easily accessible 'knowledge'?

Here are some tips to approach the conversation effectively

Establish a relaxed atmosphere: Select a private, relaxed space where there no distractions. This could be during a ride in the car, a walk in the park or a simple chat at home. It’s your demeanour that sets the tone. Remember that you know much more about them, so do whatever it takes to not intimidate them. 

Be approachable: Your child needs to know that they can come to you and talk about sex anytime they feel like. Encourage openness by saying, “If you ever have questions about anything, I’m here to help”. As mentioned earlier, age-relevant topics can include speaking about body parts and privacy for younger children while relationships and consent can be spoken about to teenagers. 

Use correct terminology: Using proper names for body parts reduces shame and helps kids talk openly about their bodies. Tell them how these organs function in an age-relevant manner. Make things simple for these young minds by not overcomplicating things. When they ask questions, give straightforward answers. For instance, if they ask about sex, explain it as an act that involves intimacy and care between partners. 

Encourage them to ask questions: Making the child ask questions is a step closer to making them feel valued and understood. You can prompt them by saying, “What have you heard about this?”, “Is there anything you’re curious about?”, “What do you know about sex?” or “Have you heard anything from your friends?” Based on their answers, you can provide information or clarify misunderstandings without overwhelming them. If there are aspects you’re unsure about, it’s okay to say so and suggest looking up information together. Share your values regarding relationships and sexuality, but also encourage them to form their own opinions based on what they learn.

Talk about consent and boundaries: Tell your child how important the role of consent, respect and communication is in relationships. Furthermore, help them understand their own boundaries and the importance of respecting others’. Doing so is crucial for healthy relationships. Teach them phrases such as, “No means no” and highlight the importance of listening to others' feelings.

Normalise the conversation: Talk you your child about sex being a natural part of life rather than a taboo topic. This helps reduce shame and stigma around discussing it. 

Do remember to check in: After speaking to them, follow up in a few days or weeks to see if they have new questions or thoughts. This helps maintain an open line of communication and reinforces the fact these topics are important.

What not to do: You shouldn’t make them feel ashamed of their body in the conversations that you have with them. Take for example, stop saying ‘Shame shame puppy shame’ when they come out of the bathroom in a towel. If you instil shame, that’s exactly what a child will feel leading to their confidence being killed. Secondly, you shouldn’t be giving information depending on their gender. They’re supposed to know about bodies of other people. This is why men are disgusted by periods, and can’t even say the word. It’s time to normalise these things. You don’t want the child to grow up and have incorrect notions of what a person around them experiences. 

Inputs by Khushi Parikh, Sexuality Counsellor and Therapist at GetIntimacy

All images: Netflix

Also read: 7 conversations about sex you should have with your partner